Trauma Queen
"The Trauma Within" is a weekly podcast hosted by Jimanekia, a Trauma and Sexual Assault expert, queer media consultant, and comprehensive sex educator. Join us as we normalize conversations about life's most challenging experiences, from sexual assault to mental health and beyond. Discover stories of resilience, expert insights, and a safe space for discussing some of life's most complex topics. Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/traumaqueen/support
Trauma Queen
The Trauma Within Reclaiming Pleasure and Cultural Identity W/ Goddess Cecilia
Do you have any questions, any comments about the episode? Jimanekia would love to hear from you!
Prepare to be inspired as Goddess Cecilia, a Filipina pleasure educator, shares her transformative journey towards creating healing spaces for BIPOC women and femmes. Discover how a serendipitous encounter in a Facebook group led her to the empowering realm of sex education and advocacy at the Sex Geek Summer Camp. Cecilia's insights into reclaiming pleasure narratives for survivors of sexual violence shed light on the impact of trauma influenced by oppressive systems, and highlight the crucial role of collective support in healing.
We break down cultural misconceptions about Filipinos, challenging stereotypes and celebrating the richness of Filipino heritage. From language struggles to cultural pride, Cecilia paints a vivid picture of the immigrant experience in the United States. Personal anecdotes reveal the absurdity of common stereotypes, while also touching on serious topics like the challenges of assimilation and the complex dynamics within Filipino families, especially when addressing issues like familial abuse and divorce.
Cecilia's passion for building supportive networks resonates deeply as she discusses the importance of community for trauma survivors. The episode highlights the creation of "Tending the Garden," a digital platform providing resources for sexual assault survivors, emphasizing inclusivity and understanding. Cecilia's story of navigating motherhood as a survivor adds a heartfelt layer to the conversation, showcasing the strength of reparenting and conscious parenting in shaping a better future. Join us as we explore the power of community, resilience, and the shared journey towards healing and empowerment.
Thank you all for listening. Set a boundary with yourself this week, set a boundary with someone else. If someone else does not respect that boundary. LET THEM LOOSE YOU! Stay hydrated internally and externally. We do not have an ashy family.
IG: @The_Trauma_Within
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@thetraumawithin
Jimanekia Ig: @Jimanekia
Cecilia Valero, aka Goddess Cecilia, is a Filipina pleasure educator, advocate and consultant. Through her company, mermaid for pleasure, she strives to create trauma-informed spaces for BIPOC women and femmes, focused on expanding, reclaiming and liberating their pleasure narratives, especially for survivors of sexual violence. Y'all we got, goddess Cecilia, I love you baby. Thank you, fabulous, fabulous. So I I'm excited to have a conversation with this person, as I'm excited to have a conversation with everyone, because these are all my friends. Um, but this particular human is part of the reason that I am a sex educator, because we met each other on the intranets and we'll talk about it and we'll go from there. That's how we're just going to start. So my first question for you, lovely human, is who?
Speaker 1:are you? Well, my name is Cecilia Villero, and otherwise known as Goddess Cecilia, everywhere on the internet. I'm a Filipina pleasure educator, advocate and consultant, part-time mermaid, parent, survivor, human California girl living on the East Coast.
Speaker 2:We'll never claim New England as a home, even though I live here, but I don't claim it, cause you shouldn't. Cause, you're not I just don't want to Okay. How did we meet in your own version before I get, before I was getting into it.
Speaker 1:Okay, so my version of events was uh, we were in some like random Facebook group, uh, that comprised of mainly women of color, uh, in or around or from the Los Angeles area. I wasn't even living there when I was in that group, um, and I believe something came up about, like someone randomly had a question about like sex or sexuality or pleasure, and I asked, I answered the question and I think you messaged me and was like hey, that's super exciting that you're a sex educator. I'm going to this event called Sex Geek Summer Camp this summer. And I was like, oh my gosh, like like this is so exciting because I was totally thinking about going but I wasn't sure if I should go. But now that you're going, I also want to go strangers. And you're straight like I did not even know each other, only knew that we had similar location.
Speaker 1:You know preferences but also you lied because you didn't even live here and um, and we were both in the sexuality field or like interested in getting more into the sexuality field. I think we were both kind of in different parts of our lives and trying to learn more about the business aspect of it, which is what sex geek summer camp was really about, and like we're immediate friends, like I don't even think that there was a question that like, okay, this is the person that I'm gonna look for, because we uh we were. We arrived at different airports, I think, if I remember correctly, and I got on the bus first yeah, when I lost all my shit, oh right, oh god, why were those bus rides?
Speaker 2:so you're like yeah oh god, I mean like we didn't know. I think that was amazing yeah, it was.
Speaker 1:It was wonderful. I mean, it was like life-changing for sure. Like I'm so glad that you said something, cause I think at the time I was still very shy about like who I was in the world and you just are so unapologetically you that like it was. It was what I needed, for sure. Oh my God, I remember all of that. Sorry, I don't know if you can hear the garbage truck right now. Can you hear the garbage truck?
Speaker 2:nope, no garbage truck. You're doing great, okay, okay, sorry go ahead, chris, cut out the garbage, talk, um no, I. I remember all of this. I think it was like a gno kind of group and we were. We also hyped each other up because we can be like oh no, because we are women of color going to West Virginia the woods one of the States and we were like I don't know.
Speaker 1:I never ever imagined ever wanting to go, it was not on the list, and we did it more than once.
Speaker 2:That's crazy. So what does trauma mean to you?
Speaker 1:What does trauma mean to me? So I think so I kind of want to preface this by saying that I was trained to be a macro social worker. So I think in very like, large terms a lot of the time. So I think in very large terms a lot of the time. And so when I think about trauma and what it means to me, I think about all of the oppressive systems that exist that create situations that harm other people or that harm the individuals, harm groups of people, harm specific types of people.
Speaker 1:And at this point in you know, in our history, in Beyonce's year of 2024, like everybody at this point has experienced some form of trauma, maybe not the little littles you know, but like even then they're kind of getting some of the residual stuff that their parents might have experienced, oh say, during a lockdown of a pandemic or during.
Speaker 1:You know this current like genocide or during. You know all of these things that are happening, a current like genocide during. You know all of these things that are happening, and I say current in that like there have been, you know, continual genocides that have been happening, and like things happening around the world for so long and and so like. It is something that I think at this point has touched everybody in the world the trauma specifically, everybody in the world, the trauma specifically, um, specifically, and like generally, you know, um, and, and there are, there is the possibility of like healing from that, or healing, you know, the journey of healing. That can coincide with that, if we are all able to sort of come together and agree that, like collectively, we can do this together. You know, does that make sense?
Speaker 2:it does make sense.
Speaker 1:Okay, pause, though I feel like I hear like a rubbing that is probably the garbage truck, because that's literally the only noise that's happening right now. Is it still happening?
Speaker 2:wait, stop talking it kind of sounds like you're like rubbing your, like scratching your nails on the desk nothing.
Speaker 1:It's the garbage truck, for sure I don't. I'm so sorry about that. It's gotta be. There's nothing, oh, oh, I wonder if it's. I wonder if it's, I wonder if it's this Did that does it stop?
Speaker 2:No, I feel like it got louder actually.
Speaker 1:No, oh, let me, okay, let me turn off the fan Hold on what.
Speaker 2:I don't think it's the fan, it's not the fan.
Speaker 1:It's not the fan, because it was still happening when you stood up.
Speaker 2:Well, turn the fan fucking back on. Don't be hot, don't be uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:I literally have no idea. The microphone is on.
Speaker 2:I don't know what it is. Okay, we'll just over talk it.
Speaker 1:Okay, let me turn my mic down. Okay, anything.
Speaker 2:Nope, it's still happening. Dang it so sorry, hopefully chris, you edit this, okay. No, I don't know what's happening right here background music. Okay, we're gonna get back into this. I'm gonna clap us back in, chris get ready. One, two, three. Okay, what do you think are a lot of common misconceptions about Filipina culture?
Speaker 1:or Filipino culture. I think that it is barely coming to a place in which people are becoming aware that it's even something different, unless you have been surrounded by Filipinos. It's not necessarily something that, like people are aware of. I think that some of the misconceptions are that we're all. You know, like we like love americans so much and like you know, we like um, specifically like filipinos in the philippines, like, oh my god, we like love americans so much and like, by, by extension, filipino americans are the same.
Speaker 1:You know, like that is our like, and I'm speaking specifically about white folks, but also generally like americans in general, it's like you know, we just want to be part of the culture so badly, um, and I think that what gets lost is that we do have such a strong connection to a lot of our like cultural heritage. Um, we're so proud of our food, we're so proud of our dances, like anytime there is someone who is, uh, like a quarter filipino in their, in their like heritage, we're like we love them, they're, they're Filipino, you know, like they're just, we're just so proud of dibs. We're taking them dibs, calling them, calling them in the contingent, um, and I think that, like I mean, there's also some of the more like silly um misconceptions about Filipinos, that like we all can sing, which, like I mean not, not true but also, you know, like not everybody's a lot of filipino uh elvis's
Speaker 2:yeah there are, you know what, there are a lot, you know el's, which is interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent. And so you know, like obviously not everybody like not everyone's a monolith, of course. I think there's also on the like darker side. Some of the misconceptions are that we are all just like really good at sex. Like wow, what a thing, and I've been told that to my face, you know. Like oh yeah, oh, um, this is let me, let me just quick side story here.
Speaker 2:This is like the most ridiculous the most ridiculous situation.
Speaker 1:I was with my friend on this like quasi date I wasn't with a date like this guy was trying to date her and she was like please just come with me. I don't know how I feel about him and then at that moment, it's clearly not happening, yeah, and so he was like oh, you know, so where are you from the wonderful question that many asian people still get to these days? And I'm like Los Angeles. He's like no, no, no.
Speaker 2:But where are you?
Speaker 1:from and luckily for him, I was actually born in the Philippines. But like huge over generalization for so many people and um, and he was like, oh, the Philippines. My brother was stationed there and immediately was like, oh great.
Speaker 2:No, here we go, here we go yeah.
Speaker 1:And he said that, like Filipinos are the best at sex, which is also like they are the best at the sex. You know, like what the fuck?
Speaker 2:What a random thing to just decide.
Speaker 1:Oh, and I was like oh, did he guy who delivers pizza?
Speaker 2:he said y'all are good at the sex. That's crazy, but also the audacity that you could just say to my face, to my face at a date that you're trying to date my co-worker Like this is so awkward.
Speaker 1:It was just beyond awkward. Clearly she didn't date him, Thank God, but it was not. We really liked that pizza place too, which was unfortunate, so we kept having to see his ass.
Speaker 2:Ruin everything. What was it like for you growing up as a little, a little human? What was the baby mermaid like?
Speaker 1:oh, um, I was. I mean, I think I think a lot about having been four years old and moving to the US, like I'm. Technically, I'm a 1.5 immigrant, which means that I was born in another country but grew up in the country that I'm currently living in. Um and so, so you know a lot of people will be like oh, I didn't realize that you were born in the Philippines because you speak English so well, which is another fun thing to hear quite often love a microaggression all right, right, and it's just like oh, but actually, in theory, even if even if I didn't have an accent or whatever, like filipinos will probably generally have a good english, good grasp on english, the language, because colonization, right like.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I'm not gonna get too deep into it, we can but like that's literally the thing is that, like the philippines was colonized by the us for so many years and they built the education system that was there, um, and so yeah english is like the second language and it's not even everybody speaking English, essentially, um, and so, coming here, there was a lot of like certainly trying to assimilate, right, like trying to um, trying to lose my accent because I 100% got made fun of for having an accent, even though I spoke English really well.
Speaker 1:Um, and so I remember like actually having the conscious decision as a young person, maybe like five, um, to stop speaking Filipino because my cause.
Speaker 1:I didn't want to get made fun of Um, but you know, I I grew up around a lot of my family.
Speaker 1:My family, you know, live literally like with us, next door to us, um and uh, and I felt like um, yeah, like really connected to them, especially the, the older relatives, my grandparents, my, my paternal grandparents, in particular, um, and then eventually my, my maternal grandmother came and lived with us and we lived in like a tiny cottage that was behind my grandmother's house and it was a one bedroom and we had a bunk bed where I was on the top bunk and then my mom and my little sister was on the middle bunk and my brother and my dad were on the trundle bed that like pulled out and my grandmother slept on the sofa bed in the living room and then the Northridge earthquake happened and I was like, okay, we're not sleeping on the bunk bed anymore.
Speaker 1:I think to reverse this. Thank you, yes, and so for some time I actually slept in the sofa bed with my grandmother. For some time I actually slept in the sofa bed with my grandmother, but like I decided to change it up and so I would sleep in the opposite direction from her, so her feet would be like here to me and my feet would be like where her head was.
Speaker 1:I'm glad that she didn't move that much, or I didn't move that much because, like, could you imagine us like accidentally kicking each other in the middle of the night? Um, that would not have been fun, but like that's. That's kind of what life was like at that time, you know.
Speaker 1:And then eventually we moved into another house where I had to share rooms with my variety of friends as well, you know, like I feel like I was, um, you know how, like in like middle school and high school, like there's all of these like cliques and things that happen and that sort of thing.
Speaker 1:Like I felt like, oh, I know, yes, I felt like my group was definitely the group of like randos and some who were also like hung out with other people, but like we would all kind of also just come together during lunchtime and like hang out, and so we were very diverse, like lots of different ethnicities, um, different genders, sexualities, and we all just kind of were like chill with each other. And so I think I and I I like to say that that part of it was just growing up in LA. I think that it makes it really easy to have that kind of situation happen. I think that it makes it really easy to have that kind of situation happen, especially if you were like bused to your school, really value diversity and really value other people's opinions and like all the different things that I could learn from folks who didn't necessarily look like me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's amazing. I think that the stereotypes are fucking hilarious. We all have them, and the ideas of you know that people only look one way is something that we often have to navigate, especially being right now. She's. We're all green here, but today we're kind of honing in on something that you've talked about a lot, that has turned into somewhat your life's work. I know your story because you talk about it often, but how hard, if anything like it may not be hard, but what has it look like? That's a better way to ask what has it look like being a survivor that is Filipina.
Speaker 1:What's really interesting about that question, I think, is that I am finding that there are, like even though my experience is very much my own individual experience and other people's experience is very much their own individual experiences there is this like underlying collective experience with other Filipinas that I found, and that is that there is, generally speaking, this sort of like oh, you know, like the family may be like very supportive at some point or another, and then there's a very swift sort of like sweeping it under the rug and like, okay, now we've talked about it, but we don't have to talk about it ever again.
Speaker 1:Sort of situation, yeah, um, and whether or not, like, if the perpetrator, the abuser, is still present, then, um, then that is handled in a totally different way. Um, in my personal experience, um, the person happened to be um, married into our family, um, and filipinos historically don't really and and currently sort of kind of um, don't really didn't really divorce back in the day, in fact, like um, it's still technically illegal in the philippines, um, is it it is because it's still technically illegal in the Philippines? Is it it is Because it's a Catholic? It's a very Christian Catholic country, and they literally like some of the lawmakers. This I want to say this was very recent. It was the ability to be or to get divorced was approved in the House and it's like waiting to be approved by the Senate.
Speaker 2:Oh, so it's not even approved yet.
Speaker 1:They just like no yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, um, and so many of the politicians are like, oh well, you know, like we have to, we want the laws to be in line with religious values. And it's like do religious values want you to be trapped in in an awful relationship? Really Like, is that the value? Awkward, you know? So, um, so my aunt, you know, stayed married to the person who, uh, abused me, and there was a lot of this pushback that I got from her that was like hey, you know, like here's a couple of like Bible verses via text about forgiveness. And I was like, oh, I'm not the one, I'm not the person. Oh, wrong person. Oh yeah, I like I appreciate that this. I think I said like I appreciate that this works for you, but it doesn't work for me, so please stop you know, and then it was like, oh when, when that conversation happened or when the abuse happened.
Speaker 2:Yeah, both Either or, but for definitely, for definitely, for sure. When was she texting you?
Speaker 1:Oh, I was in my 20s at that point. Okay, yeah, I want to say like mid 20s mid to late 20s is when that happened, when I started really talking about it with my family. Yeah, and it was yeah and and, and that was when, like, um, social media was starting to really be like more of a thing, like facebook was kind of getting started, and I quickly learned that I was like unfriended by my aunt on all the social media platforms.
Speaker 1:I was like uh-huh, I see, okay that's how it's gonna be um, but yeah, and I think that there is, even if the family's not necessarily religious so much of the culture as it stands today has been influenced by christianity, by catholicism, by being colonized that, like there is still this, um, this feeling of like.
Speaker 1:Oh, you know, we don't necessarily talk about that stuff and and this is more the Filipino side there's also a very strong feeling of like keeping the family unit safe, and so what that might mean is that it might mean, you know, not necessarily the individual's safe, but how the family might be perceived externally.
Speaker 1:Let's say, right, or like, trying to keep the units together, like trying to make sure that, like, people can stay married, or, you know, um, the children stay with their families and that whole thing, um, or like just generally being connected to each other. Um, and and sometimes, and I think, unfortunately, if you are at the receiving end of a traumatic experience, they don't necessarily know how to handle that right. Like we weren't given the tools on what happens next, when, when the decision to keep the abuser connected to the family happens, like what happens to the person who was the survivor of that right, um, and I think that that I mean that situation can certainly be very different. Um, and I think for me there was a lot of the like going hiding it under the rug and not really talking about it, but like it's always there.
Speaker 1:It's always kind of lingering. We all kind of know what happened and we're not really going to talk about it.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, yeah what was it like in like your immediate family home like?
Speaker 2:what was it like being like your immediate family home Like what was it like being a survivor and having those conversations, like telling your mom, telling your dad, you know, letting your siblings know because there's always like the bigger outside family than those, the people that you see all the time in your home, that you're like you're here again, Like what was it like? Navigating, you know, sharing something that, as I know, you held for so long, and then to actually share it like what was that like for you?
Speaker 1:Oh, it was definitely super worrisome. Like I remember the moment it happened because we were my parents were visiting me when I was up at UC Santa Cruz. They were visiting me and we were driving back to their hotel and I was like this is the moment, this is the time when I have to tell them, because I don't think I can wait. This is just us alone here. And I remember like being so nervous because like, oh my God, like just imagining that my, my dad was driving, just imagining that he would be so shocked by the news that he would like lose control of the car, like my imagination went a little haywire you know, like cause, like, oh my God, what if this?
Speaker 1:happens, um, and so I just like it was like hey, you know, I have something to tell you guys that I've been kind of holding onto for a while. And when I told them, I mean it was like kind of silent for a while and they're like when did this? And then the questions started coming. You know, and I think my parents did the best that they could with the resources that they had, with the information that they had. After I I let them know about everything that had happened and like the kind of the storyline of it all, with the resources that they had, with the information that they had. Um, after I I let them know about everything that had happened and like the kind of the storyline of it all. Um, one of the things that they wanted to do was start kind of telling our other relatives who are around, who had young kids around him, um, and like kind of slowly start letting other people know. And I did tell them that, like, if you want to share the story so that I don't have to keep doing it, I'm totally fine with that, you know. But I think that they were. They. I mean, I actually a part of me wonders if it was hard for them to vocalize, to like really talk about. So they did kind of leave it up to me to talk to other people, um, which I like respect, like I can imagine that like having to talk about it is still very painful for them.
Speaker 1:Um, I don't think it manifests in the best way all the time, because what for sure my parents are like weirdly, they've been so progressive my whole life and suddenly they're like slightly, that's not true. Why am I lying? I'm not I mean to be lying especially about my parents. They were. They were definitely had some like traditional streaks, traditional quote-unquote streaks to them, and yet they had a lot of very like socially progressive ideas. You know what I mean. But within the household it was a little more like traditional quote-unquote streaks to them, and yet they had a lot of very like socially progressive ideas. You know what I mean but, within the household.
Speaker 1:It was a little more like you can't date until you're 18 and which I did not listen to, ps and you know, like you know, you should try to find like a traditional job, whatever the hell that means, like they tried my mom once upon a time, very recently, listening to that yeah, yeah, you know. She was like why don't you become a dentist? And I was like stereotypical.
Speaker 2:Does she offer you to be a nurse? No, dentist, okay yeah, she said medical she sure did.
Speaker 1:She was like we don't have a dentist in the family. I was like, okay, well, you're like that's wild.
Speaker 2:What's that got to do with me?
Speaker 1:that's great, well, actually what I said to her was that that's those are not the holes that I wanted to deal with and that's I'm sure she was over you.
Speaker 2:She was like never, nevermind. You know what she was like. You know problem Slick mouth millennials. What did or what has support look like for you?
Speaker 1:Hmm, for me, support has always been externally, outside of my family. The first people I ever told about what happened were my friends at the time. Some of my like really close middle school friends wonders like, did we get some sort of you know like psa about this or, uh, some after school special at that? You know like, how did, how did my friends know to just be like the best in that situation, like believed me right away, didn't question it at all? Um, and, and we're very much like, what do you need from us? Like do you need us? How can we support you? You know like there wasn't, and there was also a little bit of a like do you need us to kick his ass? And I'm just like, no, you know, I know not yet. Um, I mean I los angeles, you know like we know how to.
Speaker 1:We know how it rolls and so I mean, you know, for the right thing. Um, so yeah, like I was really lucky in that sense, and I hate I sometimes hate saying that you know what I mean, but it was just the circumstances that that happened to be where I was. Um, I would wish that everybody would have that kind of support.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean that, at the very least, that there's one group of people who believe you, whether or not it's your family, um, and when I did tell my family, they did believe me.
Speaker 1:You know, my, my parents 100, believe me didn't question it at all. We're definitely shocked, you know, especially considering that this person was, was, you know, the, the trusted guy right, um, the guy that was like the funny, hilarious jokester that everybody wanted at the parties. And you know, telling my siblings, who are five and seven years younger than me, when I was like in my mid-20s, was like, okay, you know, this is big information that I've been sitting on for a really long time, and it was also a little bit of like fact-finding with them as well. Well, like, was there anything untoward that happened to either of you? And luckily, the answer was no, um and and um, and I think you know like, eventually, eventually it took a little longer than it should have, but eventually I did go into therapy, um, and I was with that same therapist for so many years like I'm trying to do the math like maybe like 15 years.
Speaker 1:I was with the same therapist, um, and only recently did I realize that I wanted to have a therapist who was also Filipino, um, and so I luckily have that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we love. We love when we find what we need. Um, we in what ways? Pause, chris got that Okay. Um, oftentimes, as adults and people that work in this, in this space, we create the things that we wish we had. Is there anything that you wish you had received in support?
Speaker 1:I think I wish that there was more open conversation about it, like, especially within my family.
Speaker 1:I wish that it was something that I could bring up to them without it feeling like I'm like putting them in an like it's going to be an awkward situation or but that it, you know, it's not that there's potential for like healing on the other end of that for all of us.
Speaker 1:Right, that it's not me trying to be um a troublemaker or you know, and I don't, and part of it is like I don't know if this is just something that I've um put on myself, you know, but it is definitely like in some of the attitudes and some of the even the victim blamey statements that I've heard them say, not even necessarily about, you know, sexual violence, just in general. You know that I'm like okay, violence and life, yeah, general. You know that I'm like okay, right, you know, and and if it's like you know something bad that happens to somebody, that there's this like oh well, they were engaged in, like you know, really troublesome activities anyway, and you know like I'm trying to find the right words for that, but like that's basically. I've heard, I've literally heard people say that you know like, oh well, they were engaged in like really troublesome activities.
Speaker 1:So and it was like that doesn't mean that they deserve the harm that was that they experienced. It was yeah, and so I think, like being able to just be like really open about it, being able to lay everything out on the table and like talk about what, um, what healing looks like for those of us who are becoming the adults in the family, you know, or who are at this point like parents or, um, the ones who are kind of like have to take the torch next, you know, as our, like, older relatives are starting to pass so, something that happened a few years ago you became a mother.
Speaker 2:I sure did. How has it been you did? Our little intelligent got a lot of questions. Comments concerns little salt. He's like I'm here, um, I'm a product of you. Um, how has that affected the way that you now navigate? Like? I think that oftentimes survivors have like different things that come up for them as like being a mother and also like how has that affected you, like the cultural aspects of being a Filipina mother? That is a survivor.
Speaker 1:Hmm, ooh, I love this question, um, I think that I well in this in this current time of the internet too, or I feel like there's been this huge uptick in, um, in like conscious parenting unquote, right in that, like you know, not punitive type of parenting, which is what many of us who are of this age kind of received. And, like my family, my parents were very, uh, they weren't necessarily like abusive, but there was, you know, the flip-flops came quick and fast and with enough, you know, with enough motion to sting a little bit, and that's not something that I would want for school. You know, these little Asian ladies, they got a lot of power, strong.
Speaker 2:They're strong.
Speaker 1:So like they're so strong, like I'm so strong and so I think that like um, you know, wanting to be better for him has been there's been so much of the like inner work that has to happen, right, like the thing that nobody tells you. I mean, there's a lot of things nobody freaking tells me about parenting, but the major thing is that you essentially have to reparent yourself while you are also parenting this other human. You know, like I highly recommend everybody kind of reparent themselves, but when you have to do it while you're also trying to do so with a little human, I don't look honestly as a parent who loves being a parent. Most of the time I I honestly don't recommend like, if you can avoid it, good for you, fucking hard work, you know, just saying um and so and so then, like being a survivor and and also, I think, being a sex educator, being, um, filipina, there's been these like moments in time where I'm like, oh shit, this is how I'm reacting because of this other situation that it's putting me in a similar place to you know, like there's been so much of the like inner work that has had to happen and it's made me much more aware of potential milestones, let's say, for example, or like similar themes and ideas that kind of have come up for me, like, for example, I was four when I moved from the Philippines to the US huge transition, I don't know if it I mean like. Possibly I could think about like how it affected, how it has affected me. But my kid Sol is four years old right now, turning five, and so I'm and in kindergarten, so I'm also like very aware of like okay, is there going to be like potential bullying that's happening? Um, how can I keep my kids safe?
Speaker 1:Um, conversations about home and like, what does home look like for us? You know like, because of course, I'm, you know being here in Boston and still very much feeling um homesick for LA. Like, all the time there's a constant conversation of like, well, what does that mean for us? And like, is it something that I can build? Is the home feeling something that is buildable here for me, as my kid feels extremely home here, you know like, um, there's a lot of that. There's a lot of that sort of um like mirroring almost in a way of like the things he's experiencing with how I am experiencing life right now as well.
Speaker 1:Um, and I think that, especially like being a survivor and a sex educator. You know, really wanting to make sure that, um, that we start the conversations about body parts right away, that we start the conversations about consent right away and the and the consent piece I think the um a lot of people talk about like, oh, you know, you want to like, um, let's make sure that your, your kids, understand that they have bodily autonomy, that they don't necessarily have to hug a relative. You know, like being forced into hugging relatives or having like physical contact with relatives, that sort of thing. But that piece isn't so much. I mean, yes, it is definitely like teaching the young kid, teaching the baby is this, but so much of it is teaching the adults around that child.
Speaker 2:That lesson, you know, and so like there's that whole piece too, um, yeah, oh, my gosh, motherhood is a trip yeah, I mean it's not for me and, um, I know that and that's okay, because sometimes I struggle with feeding myself every day, so I I got to feed you too. That's wild, and that's the lowest part. That you haven't clothed, bathed, oh bless you. Every time I look at my friends that have kids and I'll be like check you. Out.
Speaker 1:Look, and here's the thing, I hate that there's still the pressure on people to feel like, or like people will try to put that on other people of like oh well, maybe one day you're going to want to be a parent, and it's just like stop everybody. Just please, your God, stop stop doing that to people you know, because those of us who are parents you know what we need. We need folks who are childless to do all of the like fun things that I might not do with my kid and everyone's like oh yeah, like I love when people are saying things that like oh yeah, I love sugaring them up and then handing them back to the parents, I'm like great.
Speaker 1:Cause I don't think I would have done that, and what a great experience for my kid to have that in another trusted adult. You know what I mean. Even if then I have to deal with his bedtime, it's fine. You had a great day.
Speaker 2:Sure, you know what I mean, even if, then, I have to deal with his bedtime.
Speaker 1:It's fine, you had a great day. Sure, now you're fine. But yeah, right, it's like. Well, you know, but like I, I'd love for my kid to experience those things that's such a fun way to look at.
Speaker 2:it is like, look, no, go out and experience other safe adults, uh, and do shit that I also don't want to do with you. So go, go do. Yeah Also gives you a break. You're like, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 1:That part too Exactly.
Speaker 2:What has community looked like for you? You know we talked about like was it like? Like what are the things you needed? But like as a grown-up that is over the age of 18, knowing like, yes, we've had friend groups, but I think like sometimes you can have friends in all kinds of places. You know, we all know how I feel about the f word I don't call everybody my friend, but it's controversial. But I think that there's also the idea of community, and it doesn't always look one way. But what does community look like for you? What has community felt like for you, and in what ways do you think it can improve?
Speaker 1:oh well, I think that, interestingly enough, in this current time, my community has looked very, uh, diverse and I oh sorry about the sun sunning right now. Um, sorry about that. I just saw my face go like white and I got scared and you're getting blinded, but it's fine for me. I don't I'm, I'm okay, okay, like it looks like you're getting interrogated with a flashlight I don't know what else to do.
Speaker 1:Um well, so also. Um. So, for me, like community has looked really um diverse, I would like to say. It might feel sometimes like it's all over the place in different ways, but I do feel like there has been this very diverse situation that has come up. Let me give you an example. While I don't necessarily have my like immediate family who can like help in a moment's notice, let's say like in person, I am still very close to my siblings.
Speaker 1:We have like our separate chat in which we have conversations about different things and like, especially when our parents are being annoying, um. And then we have my partner's family, who literally live above us, who can, you know, help and support us? Uh, if let's say, like yesterday, for example, like we needed somebody to pick soul up from school, uh, because we were in the middle, andrew and I were in the middle of a project trying to rearrange his room, and we're we can't stop what we're doing, and someone was able to do so. There's also the slowly sort of building of local parents, other local parents who have kids in the same age range. So like, hey, we're gonna go to the, the park really close by, like, is anyone else planning to go out? Or other people will say like, oh yeah, we wanted to go out too, so then the kids can play together and the adults can be adults and like have conversations sometimes just about our kids, but also, you know, like not feeling like we're having to watch our children like hawks all the time, um. And then there's, um, you know, of course, the squad which is, um, our little friend group of folks who are all over the place who, um, I feel like have been, my like business support have been, my mental health support have been, who are like one of the first group of people who were there when I just had a baby.
Speaker 1:Like virtually, you know, like there's there's so much of that love and community that I know that I have in different ways and like that I know that I can access in so many different ways and and like the hard part is and this is the thing that I think could be improved is that I am 100% awful at asking for help.
Speaker 1:I'm so bad at it Just so I mean I've I've gotten better, so maybe like 99.9% now, but like I'm working on it. It's a constant work in progress, trying to ask for and I think part of that is, like you know, having grown up in the Filipino culture there is this sort of feeling of like you don't necessarily want to ask for favors, because then it means you're going to have to figure out how to pay that favor back, and so you know I mean and not necessarily monetarily, but kind of with everything in life so like if you do something, there's this sort of like quid pro quo that has to happen and that's not necessarily true, right, like people could just support you just because they want to support you and that feels good for them. Support you just because they want to support you and that feels good for them, um, and so I think, like trying to find, uh, a way to not then feel guilty about asking for help is is always something that I could work on.
Speaker 2:That's such an interesting thing to like bring up is like culturally, y'all are like no, and so I guess that actually is. My next question is like what kind of tips do you have for other hopefully other Filipinas that are listening to this that were like, oh, somebody that looks like me, because we, you know, as individuals, we know, having someone that looks like you, instantly you feel a little safer to be like. Well, tell me what you've been doing, cause I've been looking for someone else that looks like you instantly you feel a little safer to be like. Well, tell me what you've been doing, because I've been looking for someone else that looks like me.
Speaker 2:That might have a similar experience. So, like what kind of tips do you have for folks?
Speaker 1:I think that, um, I think that well, so tips I do want to put up there really quick is that there there are some, some of these like barriers every once in a while and that like like.
Speaker 2:I want to be like hey, I'm here, like I'm a support.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. But first you have to find me. Not that I'm not findable, I'm very findable on the internet, unfortunately slash, fortunately, but um, but like there are people who are here, we exist. You know, if you're feeling that way, there's definitely someone else out there who's feeling in a very similar way.
Speaker 1:And and that, like community can exist. And I think at this point, I especially feel like we are at a place where it's up to us now, you know, like it's up to us now, like we're the ones that have to kind of build, build the thing so that people can show up. And that's definitely like part of what I tried to do in my work is like trying to. That's definitely like part of what I try to do in my work is like trying to foster spaces. Um, even if it's like, even if I'm, I'm there for a completely different purpose, if I'm able to sort of foster the space, to let it be a place where people can feel like they can uh, feel supported, then you know great, then I feel like I've done my job in a way, even if it wasn't the initial thing I came there for.
Speaker 1:And so, and I think that, like, I think there's also this feeling of like not still like not sure whether or not it's okay to talk about it, and I and I think maybe that's part of why it's hard for us to find each other is because we're we're not necessarily like talking about it all the time, but it's, it's a part of our story. Right, it doesn't make who we are, but it's still a part of our story and if it's something that you want to talk about, like, your voice is 100% needed. You know it's needed other people you might be the person that people need to find, right, yeah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's so important to note, like there is. We will not be the first people that are survivors that talk about it, and unfortunately, we won't be the last. And also, I always tell people like I'm not for everybody, like you might not be for everybody, but we are needed for somebody, we're needed for somebody at some point, like just like we needed people, um, which you know, you kind of touched on it a bit. So for folks that don't know, uh, goddess, cecilia is also on the board of my nonprofit Tending the Garden, which was created because I didn't see survivors that looked like me. Often it was often very thin, white women that were sexual assault survivors, which they do exist, but statistically, all of us with that melanation, trans folks, queer folks, black folks, brown folks, asian folks, native folks, etc. Etc. Are those that are highest harmed. But I never saw people that look like me. So I was like, well, that's not for me.
Speaker 2:We don't have a different experience, and so something that you know we've been trying to create, which we'll talk about a little bit more, is like creating community spaces for those of us that have been marginalized, and I always say like those of us that have been marginalized because it's been forced upon us, not like we are marginalized. No, no, no, you put it. You put that on us, baby, this is a huge problem. Yes, and something that we started. We started last year. You, you wanted to do a support group specifically for individuals that look like you tell me, talk to me about, like, the importance of having that community space and we'll talk a little. I'll flush it out a little bit more because I've been working on some stuff but, uh, tell me about, like, the importance of having a support group. Has looked like or felt like for you, or why you think it is needed.
Speaker 1:I think the general feeling that has come from that support group and I'd like to think that it was echoed with the folks who participated was 100% this feeling of like. Oh my gosh, you know, like other people are talking about this, other people who look like me, who I don't have to necessarily explain you know why my family is being the way that they are. Like, we just understand. That feeling of like, we just understand, is so important, it's so important, so valid, so necessary, and I think it was also so simple in it's just it's been really wonderful and I know that like it's energized me to um, to feel like, okay, you know, like the, the, the, the group of us, you know, who have been coming together, even though, like, we're providing the space, like it's it can be, um, like a joint healing together, um, just to just to recognize somebody else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, I. I personally think that sexual assault is a community issue, like it might happen to an individual, but it affects the community, how we hold people accountable is community.
Speaker 2:The laws and structures are community Like we are a part of the community. So I think it's so important and, within Tending the Garden, something that I've been doing a lot of research and hopefully, by the time you hear this, you can donate to also assist us. But we're currently building, researching to build this platform where folks are able to have a small membership fee to join and join a support group. They'll get to sign up for the support group under their membership and it's all digital. We make it easy for folks anywhere, even the groups that we've had. We want it to be a digital space that also feels, you know, supported. There will be a moderator. It will be more of like a chat room. There will be like community boards if folks want to reach out and do things. We are working on resources.
Speaker 2:In my mind, what it looks like is a map of the US to start, and each state you can click on and a list will appear of different cities. You'll click on the city, you'll find resources and then there will also be an option to opt in or sign up to go to classes. So the reason you haven't seen another support group yet is because I don't want to half-ass this. I think that oftentimes, folks that are not white, we get the short end of the stick unless we're working our asses off, and I don't think that is something that any of us want our names to be on or we want for people, and it's not going to be super expensive, but it is a nonprofit. We still got license and things to keep on, but we want to create a space that you can actually show up and be supported in a way that you want versus.
Speaker 2:I've also seen a lot of space where people are creating things or like well, you should take this, but like what if that's not what people need? Right, like that's not what people need, right, like that's not what people want. So I'm excited for us to really be able to create and share this, because I think this is such a big community issue, a community struggle, that unfortunately and I'm going to keep it 100. I don't think it's going to stop in my lifetime.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:But rape pillage has been happening long before us. And it's actually what time is it? 1134. It's actively happening right now because every was it 67 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted in America. And that's just Americas. The numbers are even worse in other countries. Fun fact, y'all so fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%. And like, the thing that I feel like people don't realize too is that, like, because it has been so much generational, generational you know like trauma. Essentially that has happened. It's going to take generational and generational healing work right, like it has to.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, it does have to, but I think there's also, like you've mentioned, it kind of indirectly this whole conversation is like the two cousins that I always talk about shame and guilt and how they like to jump people Okay, and I think also in in folks that have been marginalized. A lot of the things we've had to navigate has been very shame focused, because it is that colonization, that controlling aspect that our families pass down to us and essentially it's because it's what they know and for us to recognize that and hold people accountable is such an interesting thing that a lot of people are anti because they're scared of the unknown oh yeah, 100.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is so interesting that especially the accountability piece, I think, is so hard for folks to wrestle with and I think part of it is like they want to. They want to maintain the idea that they're still a good person in a way, and it's like you can still be a good person and still hold people accountable. It's not an either or situation. That's binary thinking. We don't do that here. Hello, you know. So yeah.
Speaker 2:This was good. I really hope that someone sees you and goes oh shit, there are people that look like me, right Like that, have made it to the other side of things, and the other side is relative, as we know. Trauma is ongoing and flexible and sometimes shit pops up and will fuck your day. But but you know to know that you do exist, that you have been doing this work and will continue to do this work. So thank you, because I think it is so important, and also understanding Asian communities. There's more than just Japanese and Chinese, korean, like. There's a large amount of population that is also overlooked and misunderstood.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I like, especially in this current time also, oh sorry, and I also wanted to say that, like you know, the Asian, if we're going to go by the current map of things right extends into what is called the middle east. So, like, it is a huge track of land. You know and like, and we and, and we all look super different from each other for the most part, you know we do, you do, y'all do look to me, y'all look different to me.
Speaker 2:Um, before we go, my last question because we often talk about such fun, heavy things is what is the wildest thing that someone has texted or dm'd you in the last two weeks?
Speaker 1:oh my gosh, okay, so I to I had to look this up. Let's see, um, in the last several weeks this is totally like to me the one of the wildest things I've had to like see, and it's not even a thing that I'm super into. I can't even believe this is what I'm ending on, but it's that apparently there's that's not. It really isn't that there's some sort of like giant Taco Bell Cheez-It situation. I can't even believe I know anything about that.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, yes, I've seen it. Yes, yeah, I know anything about. Oh, yes, yes, I've seen it. Yes, yeah, I know about it.
Speaker 1:I just, and I was like why is this happening? And I mean, it's one of those like why? Not but it was just. It caught me off guard that day and I was like, wow, I didn't know that this was something I needed to know about in my life. But here we are, I can't wait for you was something I needed to know about in my life.
Speaker 2:But here we are. I can't wait for you to get a giant Cheez-It. I hope Soul Season is like mom, that's what I want. I want the large Cheez-It meal. I know.
Speaker 1:Because I don't know if I'd want it, but for sure Soul would probably want it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can't wait. I'll send him the money for it. Tell him to text me. I want it in your home. I want it in your home. This was fun. Before we go, can you tell he them, they, she, they them, zim zay, everybody, everybody, where they can find you so they can get more into your business, find out how to work with you and see what you're up to well, you can find me at goddess cecilia literally everywhere on the internet goddessceciliacom.
Speaker 1:goddess cecilia on instagram, tiktok, facebook, uh everywhere snapchat, I don't know, like all the apps. I'm on x but I'm not really on x, so don't get me there. Um threads like I'm on all the things and you have to make. The thing is, you have to make sure you spell it correctly, because then I don't know who you're getting. C-e-c-i-l-i-a.
Speaker 2:You might go somewhere else. You might end up in a whole new world. But if y'all want to know about mermaids, sex ed, body things, trauma, all the things, head on over to this lovely human's work, and so until next time, y'all.
